


Perfect Imperfection

by Lemon (lemon_sprinkles)



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Canon Compliant, Collaboration, First Kiss, Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-25
Updated: 2017-09-25
Packaged: 2019-01-05 11:35:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,647
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12189228
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lemon_sprinkles/pseuds/Lemon
Summary: Not everything in Shepard's life has gone according to plan, but sometimes there is beauty in the imperfections of life.Collaboration with Fiishes. They supplied the art, I supplied the words~





	Perfect Imperfection

**Author's Note:**

> Another collaboration with the brilliant Fiishes on tumblr. We had so much fun our first time collaborating that we decided to give it another go! Hope you all enjoy~
> 
> First kiss fic! I haven't done this theme within the ME universe, so I was super excited to tackle it.

 Shepard took his time to admire the man before him.

 He followed the straight line of his nose and the curve of his lips, traced the arch of his brow and counted the freckles up above, and watched the tug and pull of the faint scar that stretched along his top lip. He admired the way he’d break out into a full smile and laugh unabashedly, noted how crowfeet etched their way from the corners of his rich brown eyes, and spent much of his time watching how his Adam’s apple bobbed up and down as he spoke.

 They locked eyes and neither broke away. They stayed right where they were; brown gazing into blue, unashamed and no longer afraid of what such a thing might mean.

 They both knew what it meant now. They were both on the same page.

 Shepard took his time to admire Kaidan from across the table at Apollo’s café, and relished in the openness of it.

 Just an hour ago and Shepard would have been sneaking glances here and again. He’d have admired Kaidan with a furtive flick of the eyes, his cheeks burning with shame and a churning in his gut telling him that this wasn’t fair, this wasn’t right, and this wasn’t even _legal_.

 He’d spent years wondering ‘what if’. What if their circumstances were different; what if he wasn’t as fucked up as he was; what if Kaidan had joined back on Horizon.

 What if Kaidan felt the same way?

 Only now Shepard knew. Kaidan had spilled his guts in front of him; admitted that he felt the same way, that their circumstances _were_ different, and that he didn’t care what baggage Shepard came with.

 Kaidan wanted to give it a try. He wanted to be with Shepard. He wanted Shepard to admire him in full, without the shame and the angst and the constant guilt.

 It was liberating and exhilarating and so goddamn _terrifying_.

 Shepard spent their entire date together fumbling over what to say and do, his hands feeling large and cumbersome as he fiddled with his fork while his tongue got fat in his mouth, words mumbled and ideas coming out half-formed.

 Shepard hadn’t dated much back in his youth. He was more the type to flirt with a guy, fuck him, and then leaving after mutually agreeing that it was just a ‘one time’ sort of thing. It had worked for him in the past. No strings attached, no expectation beyond a good fuck, and no uncomfortable recognitions of any type of feeling beyond whatever he felt in his dick.

 It _had_ worked.

 But not anymore; not with Kaidan.

Not with someone Shepard cared for a great deal.

 He wanted to do this right. Shepard desperately wanted for this to work out somehow; even if it was just until the end of the war. He’d waited so long for this moment even though he tried to deny it in himself. He actively worked against the tight, tingling feeling he had in his chest whenever Kaidan walked into the room; that feeling that made him lightheaded and stupid and feel so fucking _right_.

 But now that he had it Shepard didn’t know what to do with it. He felt like a teenager again, all long limbs and awkward laughter, his comments to Kaidan’s stories remarkably simple and few in syllables.

 Kaidan didn’t seem to mind, however. He chatted with Shepard about Vancouver, no hint of sadness in his tone even though Shepard knew it hurt to talk about it. When there was a lull in the conversation Shepard swore Kaidan was giving him the same once-over he’d been doing all along. Hungry eyes would travel across Shepard’s form, bottom lip briefly sucked between his teeth, and their knees would brush beneath the table—a little jolt striking them both as they kept the contact going for just a little longer. This was what Shepard could handle: the primal urge that surged between two people, the need to touch and feel and to _connect_. He could handle the desire in Kaidan’s gaze and the flirty, off-the-cuff comments Kaidan would make.

 But then Kaidan would pick up the conversation again, the stutters and stumbles in his word just a part of who he was and not an embarrassment like it was for Shepard. Once again Shepard was left wondering what to do with himself, unable to muddle out what was expected of him in this entirely new situation he’d found himself in.

 All he knew—all he _really_ knew—was that he wanted to kiss Kaidan. He wanted to surge across the table and grab and tug and _pull_ him in for a kiss. He wanted to seal their lips together; to make their agreement a binding contract. It was the proverbial pinch—the motion that would tell Shepard that this was real, that Kaidan wanted him as much as he had always wanted him. That they were going to do this together—jump headlong into the idiocy of starting a relationship that would see them court martialed.

 If they even survived that long.

 But whenever he tried to kiss Kaidan something or someone would interrupt. A woman would laugh loudly a few tables over; the waiter would ask they wanted more water; a turian would begin ranting about the end of the world across the promenade. Or Shepard would become hyperaware of the fact that he might have lettuce stuck in his teeth.

 And then the end of the meal had arrived. Cheque paid and dishes cleared away, they had a moment to themselves. Shepard swallowed the brick of self-doubt in his throat and leaned across the table, eyes locked with Kaidan’s, his gaze never wavering. Seconds seemed like eons as they moved to close the gap, warm breath tickling across Shepard’s cheek as his hand brushed the dense, dark curls of Kaidan’s hair, their lips almost touching when—

 Both their omni-tools blasted out an obnoxious chime, bright orange light shooting out of their hands as they stayed poised achingly close together.

 Close, but not close enough.

 Shepard jumped back with a start, hand scrambling for his omni-tool. Kaidan seemed stuck in a daze as he continued to lean on the table, lips still parted even as he went to shut off his alert.

 It was a message from EDI, asking for all Normandy crew to return to the docks.

 “Guess shore leave is over,” Kaidan said, coughing into his hand.

 He was smiling across the table at Shepard, but he could see the blush on his cheeks and the flicker of annoyance in his eyes.

 “Y-yeah… guess so,” Shepard mumbled.

XX

 The walk back to the docks was one taken in tense silence. Their arms brushed and knuckles bumped together, but any moment they could possibly have alone was interrupted by others, such as a group of Salarians coming into the elevator just as it was about to close, or an Asari tripping into Shepard as she hurried past, arms full of datapads and packets of coffee.

 And once back at the Normandy any and all semblance of privacy was gone. EDI was waiting next to the Normandy, her eyes blank behind the orange visor of her synthetic body while she computed data deep inside the bowels of the Normandy’s systems. Shepard and Kaidan had managed to amass a small gaggle of Normandy crewmen during their walk back to the ship, and EDI greeted them all individually as they passed by and into the quarantine room.

 Shepard and Kaidan hung back, neither quite ready to return to formal duty—not when there was so much left unsaid.

 And un-kissed.

 “Lunch was great,” Kaidan said suddenly. He turned to Shepard, a hesitant smile on his lips.

  At least now he had the good graces to look as awkward as Shepard felt.

 “Yeah, it was really… great. It was nice to clear the air, Kaidan.”

 “Yeah, definitely. It was… it was… yeah.”

 “Yeah.”

 There was another moment for them. All the Normandy crew had returned and it was just them.

 And EDI.

 “We should do it again if we get the chance. I’ll even pay,” Kaidan said. As he spoke he reached out and touched the underside of Shepard’s wrist, fingertips pressed against his pulse point.

 Shepard nodded, trying to keep from making any embarrassing noises. “I’d like that. I mean, I’d like to have another lunch. With you. I don’t care who pays.”

 Kaidan leaned in and Shepard followed suit, entranced by the way Kaidan’s scar twisted when he smirked. There was a brief, exhilarating moment where Shepard thought that this was it—that this was going to be the first kiss—when it was dutifully interrupted by none other than Liara.

 “I’m sorry I’m late, I just thought I had more time and stopped at one of the shops,” she said breathlessly.

 Shepard jerked back and turned to see her fumbling with one of her bags, bushels of wires falling out and tangling in with her hands. She looked up at them with a sheepish smile, oblivious to what she’d just interrupted.

 “Did you need a hand with that?” Kaidan asked, already bending down to collect the wayward cords and wires.

 “Oh, thank you so much,” she said, shoving the offered items back into her satchel.

 The two disappeared into the Normandy, Liara discussing her pet project in a hushed tone to Kaidan, while Kaidan sent Shepard an apologetic look over his shoulder before the double doors of the Normandy closed with a final ‘hiss’.

 “Fucking shit fuck,” Shepard gritted out.

 EDI’s pose relaxed then, and he looked up to see her eyes had come back to life.

 She was grinning, robotic teeth flashing eerily under the gloomy lights of the docks.

XX

 “So, another secret Cerberus base, huh?”

 Shepard watched Garrus’ mandibles twitch from across the war map.

 “That’s what Traynor’s data said,” Kaidan replied.

 Garrus shook his head. His trademark visor had been shut off for the moment, blue eyes peering down at the map with feigned interest. “How many top-secret facilities do you think they have? I mean, honestly, have you ever heard of an organization with so many far removed state of the art facilities? Did no building contractor ever get suspicious after the seventh order of sheet metal?”

 “The contractors probably work for Cerberus,” Kaidan mumbled.

 “All I care is that we find them and destroy them,” Shepard said. “EDI, pull up the schematics Traynor found.”

 The projection of the Crucible flickered away, replaced with a series of blueprints of a Cerberus base.

 “Of course it’s on Noveria,” Kaidan sighed.

 “Last time we were there you got snow in your boots,” Garrus said.

 Shepard coughed into his hand in order to hide his smile. Kaidan made a noise in the back of his throat but didn’t reply.

 “It’s a fighter base,” Shepard began, “and according to the data we found, they’ve been in the area for a while now—using it as a place to pick up and drop off supplies. If we can destroy it with support from the Normandy, we could seriously cripple their operations in the Horsehead. Judging by most of their facilities, they’re going to be heavily guarded, both with men on the ground but also cyber security. Do you think you two can hack into their systems?”

 “Not to give you the impression I don’t want to go, but wouldn’t EDI be a better choice?” Kaidan asked.

 He had gravitated closer to Shepard during his debriefing, and Shepard realized that if he moved just a little further to the left, he could touch Kaidan’s hand. Kaidan, for his part, seemed entirely oblivious, his attention locked on the map, the blues and reds of the LED’s painting patterns across his features.

 “Shepard?”

 Shepard blinked, tearing his gaze away from Kaidan to peer across at Garrus.

 His mandibles were twitching again. If Turians could smirk…

 “EDI’s body took a blow on the Citadel,” Shepard replied—loudly. “Daniels and Donnelly haven’t had time to help her out with the repairs, so she’ll strictly be aerial support.”

 “I’m in,” Garrus said.

 “I’m in,” Kaidan repeated.

 Shepard nodded. “Our first priority is to destroy the facility. We’ll make a clean sweep of the place and clear out any combatants. Once that’s done, we plant the explosives and hurry back to the landing zone where Cortez will pick us up.”

 “What about data?” Kaidan asked.

 “If we stumble across anything we’ll send it back up, but our top priority is to destroy. If we don’t disable this facility Cerberus still has a stronghold in the area, and we cannot lose more ground to them or the Reapers. Got it?”

 Kaidan and Garrus nodded.

 There was a pop in the speakers of the Normandy, EDI’s voice carrying through soon after.

 “There is a backlog of ships attempting to leave through the relay in the Widow system, Shepard. It could be a few hours before we will reach Noveria.”

 Shepard sighed. War frigates, refugee convoys, transport ships—all of them trying to get in or out of the system, desperate for that slight reprieve or to get back out there and _fight_. Shepard could have pulled rank and demanded they skip the line, but every single ship trying to get out was important to the effort. There was no point in budging the queue when the cargo next in line was carrying food and water to a small colony that was still holding out.

 “If I may suggest taking this time to rest, Shepard,” EDI continued.

 Shepard nodded.

 Rest meant time to sit alone in the dark and think.

_Lovely._

 “You heard her,” he said to Kaidan and Garrus. “Get some rest and we’ll meet in the shuttle bay once we reach the Horsehead. Dismissed.”

 Garrus left with a curt nod, omni-tool already light up as he hurried back to his posting in the battery room. He had been fiddling with his rifle earlier in the day, and Shepard was certain rest for him entailed tweaking the scope and buffing the rear grip.

 But Kaidan remained. Shepard stared down at the now returned Crucible blueprints, hyper-aware of Kaidan and his close presence. He wasn’t sure what to do; wasn’t sure what was acceptable; wasn’t sure what was expected.

 He just wasn’t sure.

 They were back on the Normandy and bundled up in their military regulations, the ranks of Commander and Major sitting heavy on their shoulders. Back on the Citadel it has been easy to forget that they were anything but two regular guys, nothing such as rank and professionalism getting in the way of expressing themselves. But now, surrounded by their work, it was hard to push that all away.

 Hard, but not impossible.

 “You should get some rest, Kaidan,” Shepard said. He straightened up and turned to Kaidan, noting how he’d inched even closer since Garrus had left.

 “You should, too,” he replied.

 “Yeah.”

 “Seriously, Shepard. I don’t mean sitting up in your room with the comm links open so you can discuss strategy and raw numbers with Joker and EDI. I mean lying down, closing your eyes, and _sleeping_.”

  Shepard rolled his eyes and looked away. “You’re going to mother me now, too?”

 “If we’re going to be in a relationship, then yeah… yeah, I am.”

 Shepard turned back to him.

 Kaidan kept his gaze locked with his own.

 “But maybe we don’t call it mothering,” Kaidan suddenly blurted out.

 Shepard chuckled. “Alright. How about showing ‘genuine concern’?”

 He reached out and gently touched the tips of Kaidan’s fingers, testing the waters. Kaidan didn’t balk at the contact. Instead he inched in closer, slowly coming into Shepard’s orbit. The harsh light from the console cast dark shadows across Kaidan’s angled features, and Shepard found he was mesmerized by the way the light dipped and sloped across his brow and down his nose.

 Kaidan kept leaning forward and Shepard felt their hands fully connect, his palm atop Kaidan’s battle scarred knuckles. He couldn’t look away despite the heat blooming across his cheeks, and Kaidan kept him locked in place with a single look.

 Not of desire or hunger or need. It was one of ‘genuine concern’.

 Shepard wrapped his hand around Kaidan’s own, fingers curling underneath to hold on as Kaidan moved to close the gap. He could feel his breath on his lips and smell the heady scent of gun oil, Alliance soap, and the unique scent that was _Kaidan_.

 “Commander,” Joker’s voice broke through the hum of the war room.

 Kaidan paused with only an inch between them.

 Shepard didn’t move—didn’t even breathe. A variety of thoughts tangled and bunched and slithered through his mind in that moment, most of them having something to do with causing bodily harm to Joker. Eventually he sighed just as Kaidan pulled away.

 “What is it, Joker?” Shepard asked, not even attempting to mask the annoyance in his voice.

 “You’re needed up on the bridge.”

 “I’ll be right there,” Shepard replied.

 Shepard debated dragging Kaidan back in and finishing what they’d started, but common sense won out. They were in the war room with Normandy crewmen scattered about, their attentions fixed entirely on the task at hand but their presence a keen reminder of who they are and where they were.

 “Go get some rest, Kaidan. I’ll see you in the morning,” Shepard said.

 Kaidan nodded.

 “Once you’re done with Joker—”

 “I’ll go straight to my room.”

 “To sleep,” Kaidan said, brows furrowed.

 Shepard sighed. “Yeah, to sleep… mom.”

XX

 The meeting with Joker took longer than expected, with Cortez joining them to map out drop points and pick-up locations. Shepard threw himself into the work, ignoring the tightness in his chest any time he thought about what had transpired earlier that day. A large part of why he never let himself get attached to anyone was because it could compromise his work—make it so he slipped up and jeopardized everything he and his team had worked toward. He wasn’t about to let a mission fail because he’d panicked when his partner got hurt.

 He wasn’t about to let his emotions—any emotion—get in the way of the mission.

 But when the planning was done and the debriefing had been carried out, Shepard couldn’t ignore the flutter of excitement he felt when he ventured down to the shuttle bay and saw Kaidan standing next to his locker, armour already on and weapons laid out in careful order next to him.

 “Hey,” Shepard said, approaching Kaidan. Once again he felt like a teenage boy, palms sweaty and tongue fat in his mouth.

 “Hey, you,” Kaidan said, smiling.

 “Did you sleep well?” he asked, opening his locker. Grabbing his under armour he tossed it on to the bench and began stripping out of his fatigues.

 “Yeah, I did. Did you?”

 Shepard shrugged. “Sure.”

 “I slept well, too,” Garrus called from across the shuttle bay.

 “Yeah, me too!” Vega added.

 They waved merrily at Shepard.

 Shepard glowered.

 “Did you actually get any sleep?” Kaidan asked, helping Shepard with the rest of his armour.

 The Normandy rumbled slightly, and Shepard knew they’d touched atmosphere.

 “I got a little,” he lied, holding his breastplate in place while Kaidan locked the clasps.

 “Uh huh…” Kaidan mumbled.

 He didn’t seem convinced.

 “We’re approaching the drop-point,” Cortez called from beside the Kodiak. Her engines were gently humming, the blue glow of the mass effect fields creating nebulous patterns across the hull of the Normandy.

 Garrus hooked his rifle over his shoulder and jumped into the Kodiak. Shepard clicked the last of his armour in place and hooked his shotgun to his belt, relaxing as the weight pulled down on his hips. It was familiar and oddly comforting.

 “You ready, Alenko?” Shepard asked, grabbing his helmet from the locker before slamming it shut.

 “As always, Commander,” Kaidan replied, following Shepard toward the shuttle.

 But just as Shepard was about to board, hand on the edge of the door and foot halfway on the ledge, Kaidan’s voice pulled him back.

 “Shepard?”

 He turned, and Kaidan kissed him.

 The kiss was brief but determined, Kaidan’s hand grabbing his arm and holding on with force—so much force Shepard could feel it through his armour. It took a moment for Shepard to realize what was going on, and by the time his brain had caught up with the action Kaidan was pulling away, cheeks burning bright pink and eyes sparkling.

 “Let’s go give Cerberus hell, eh?” Kaidan said over the din of the shuttle bay doors opening.

 Shepard nodded, unable to say anything resembling English. He almost dropped his helmet but caught it just in time.

_You missed it, Shepard. You fucking missed your first kiss with Kaidan because you freaked out, you fucking idiot._

_Like hell I’m going to let that happen again._

 He stopped Kaidan from getting into the shuttle by cupping the back of his neck, and this time he returned the kiss, pressing their lips together and really _feeling_ it this time. Kaidan’s lips were soft and the stubble on his chin rough, and Shepard caught his bottom lip and bit it ever so gentle—earning himself a gasp that he more felt than heard. Their noses bumped and their teeth almost knocked together as the Normandy lurched forward, but it was all perfect in its imperfection.

And then it was done.

 Stepping into the Kodiak, Shepard nudged his way past Garrus and sat down in the seats, Kaidan banging on the side to let Cortez know they were all aboard. He locked eyes with Kaidan from across the shuttle and winked, suddenly feeling a lot more confident—about everything.

 Kaidan returned the wink before disappearing under his helmet.

 Shepard could hear Garrus chuckling. He really didn’t care.  

**Author's Note:**

> If you want to see more of Fiishes work, check out their tumblr at fiishes.tumblr.com
> 
> And if you want to see links to my work (lol) please visit lorastyrell.com


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